


Ask yourself...

by Secretlifeofvirgilknight



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Dreams, Dreams vs. Reality, Emotional Manipulation, Hope, Human Sides (Sanders Sides), Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, Regret, Suicidal Thoughts, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-19 21:45:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15519258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Secretlifeofvirgilknight/pseuds/Secretlifeofvirgilknight
Summary: Logan, Virgil, Roman, and Patton ask themselves a question.~~~~~~~~~Angsty with no happy ending~~~~~~~~~Deciet is featured but he isn't nice~~~~~~~~~Vent fic loosely based off of my own excperiences.





	1. Logan's happiness...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are you happy?

"Am I happy?" 

A question he frequently asked himself. If you looked at all he had, the answer is yes. 

Plenty of awards sit upon the shelf, mainly for academic achievements. He has won second place for an invention of his. He has won the presidential award for his high grade average from the past four years. He has won an award for his community service. He has even won $8,000 off his $10,000 tuition. 

He smiles to himself each time he sees that shelf. That one black shelf holds his world and his purpose. 

Thoes achievements along with many others should be enough to make him happy. At least they're supposed to. Yet there were many things the certificates and medals and trophies couldn't give him. 

There was a sinking feeling in his chest drowning him. It dragged him deeper down into the depths of the ocean. It weighed him down making it impossible to swim back up. 

Lonely. 

He was lonely. 

He always found it hard to connect to others. His unconventional hobbies and his often stiff personality caused him to feel disconnected. 

Disconnected from his closest friends, so much so that he tends to shut himself out and lock his thoughts away almost naturally. 

Whenever anyone would get suspicious he would shrug them off. 

"I'm just don't experience emotions like you guys do."

He shows no signs of lying. Why would he? He's done this so long he knows the right way to do it. So eventually his friends will smile and walk away without another word, because they believe him. They trust him enough to assume that if something was wrong he'd come to them.

He craves to have someone there with him. Someone to fill the empty couch cushion. Someone to fill the extra space on his bed. Someone to stargaze with. Someone to talk to. Someone to fanboy with. Someone to just be with him. 

But he knows that day will never come. He knows he is doomed to be locked inside his own head forever. 

No. 

"I'm not happy."


	2. Virgil's regrets...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you regret?  
> ~~~~~~~~~  
> Tw: Abuse, swearing

What do you regret? Most people find themselves asking this question at least once. Virgil has many regrets yet one sticks out most. 

He meet Dee in 3rd grade. Virgil just moved and didn't have any friends. The first person he stumbled upon was another kid his age at the bus stop. The boy was taller than him and more confident. 

Being the first day of school Virgil was desperately trying to find anyone who could help him and Dee seemed more than willing. The two quickly became friends and ended up being attached at the hip.

Well it was more so Virgil following Dee around like a lost puppy. Where ever Dee went, Virgil followed, and they both seemed content with that.

After school they would hangout and play outside with the other kids in their complex. Dee always insisted on being the alpha werewolf when the played monsters or mayor when they played city. Virgil didn't think anything of it then, but looking back on it, he sees where it all started.

Things changed middle school. Dee quickly became more possessive, causing Virgil to become more submissive and reserved. 

~~~~~~~~~  
One day Virgil told Dee that they couldn't hang out that day because he had to go home and study for his math test.

"I thought we were friends?" Dee cocked his eyebrow and stared at Virgil. 

"I- uh we are! It's just I -"

"You need a break from me..? Is that what it is? You're tired if being with me after school and would rather study than hang out with your best friend?"

"That's not wha- " 

"No, no, you don't have to explain. It's fine I'm sure I'll find someone else to hang out with..."

"NO! No... I'm sorry Dee, I'll just study when I get home later." 

"That's what I thought, c'mon we've been standing here for eight minutes."  
~~~~~~~~~~

After that Virgil did whatever Dee told him to do. He didn't want to lose his only friend. 

Unfortunately the change didn't stop there. In their last year of middle school (8th grade) everything was great and Dee and Virgil even started to date, even though Dee and Virgil would be going to different high schools.  
~~~~~~~~~  
"So you're really gonna leave me for your stupid fucking art school?" 

"We can still hang after school, a-and we'll still ride the bus together t-too!"

"I want to see you at all times, how will I know if you're cheating on me or not?"

"I won't, I-I promise! You should be hap-happy for me anyway! It's a big deal g-getting into BCIA!" 

Wrong choice Virgil, you should have stopped at 'I promise'

Flesh on flesh and a loud cracking noise as Dee's hand collides with Virgil's cheek. The smaller boy stumbles back and trips. 

"What did you say to me?"  
~~~~~~~~~  
Virgil stops his flashback there. He doesn't want to think about it. Things just went down hill from there. 

Virgil's anxiety disorder started getting worse and his parents recommended that he see a therapist. 

He had to cancel Dee and his upcoming date because it was his first appointment with Dr. Picani. 

Needless to say Dee was more than upset.  
~~~~~~~~~~  
"You never want to do anything, you always just want to stay inside!"

"Big crowds make me nervous Dee, it gets hard for me to breathe and-"

"Ugh fucking Christ whatever Virgil excuses, excuses. Don't say I never fucking tried, because I did. If anything it's your fault we can't go out."  
~~~~~~~~~  
Virgil sat in his room looking at the picture of him and Dee. Middle school had came to an end, and Dee hasn't contacted him since. 

"What's my biggest regret?" 

"Not being good enough for him."


	3. Roman's dreams...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's your biggest dream?  
> ~~~~~~~~~  
> Tw: Suicidal thoughts (brief)

Roman had many dreams that he longed to come true. He wanted to be seen on a big stage with bright lights. The crowd would be clapping, all while he holds out the final note to the token song of the musical.

Like I said that's where he dreams he'll be.

As long as he can make it into the Performing Arts high school he'll be good. For months on months leading up to that audition Roman would have sleepless nights where he stayed up and thought about the never ending possibilities of what he'd do if he got rejected. 

You see, in order for you to understand fully how he feels, you'd first have to understand that performing is his lifeblood, it's his reason to live, and this audition will possibly change his entire life. 

If gone right, he'd be spending half of his day studying theater and acting. He'd be in a classroom full of thespians and people who he can connect with. It'll even give him an extra four years of studying. 

If gone wrong, well... that's and entirely different story. 

Roman isn't quite sure what he would do. He always joked that if acting didn't work out there would always be Best Buy, or a gay strip club...

Yet Roman knows that if he doesn't make this. It won't end good. Infact this audition could destroy him if it wanted to.

Roman knows that he probably wouldn't be able to go on. This is the one thing he loves. The one thing he needs. How could he keep living if the one thing he loves won't be there with him. 

Roman has a lot of dreams.

But his biggest dream can sometimes feel like a nightmare.


	4. Patton's hopes...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are your biggest hopes?  
> ~~~~~~~~~  
> Tw child abuse

She was making him overwhelmed. Too overwhelmed. She's drunk, and he can tell. She's nastier when she's drunk and he doesn't like it. 

She's yelling at him. He didn't even do anything. At least he thought he didn't. He replays what happened in his head, just to see what went wrong so quickly. 

~~~~~~~~~  
"Hold this so it doesn't move."

He goes over to the gigantic flat screen.  
Patton is now bent over a table causing his back to bend inward in a awkward and uncomfortable position. He is standing on his tippy toes, trying so hard to keep his hands on the TV. 

His mother looks over at him to make sure he's holding it where she deems is ok, and immediately is dissatisfied. 

"Don't put your fucking hands on the screen. I said hold the top!" 

He pushes himself up more and places the tips of his fingers onto the very top. After about 10 ish minutes of trying to hold himself up, Patton let's out a quiet whimper. He back began to ache and feet were shaking, his arms sore from being stretched out so long. 

"Let fucking go, you can never do anything I ask. Go sit the fuck down or something." 

Patton did as he was told and sat on the couch blankly.  
~~~~~~~~~~

So that's what he did wrong. He knew he shouldn't have made the noise but it just came out. 

"Patton Sanders get me my ashtray and hurry up"

"Yes mom" Patton scurries off the couch and speed walks over to the table where the ashtray is at. He walks over to his mom and holds it out as she smashes her cigarette into the bottom. 

"Good boy." 

Patton felt his insides churn. It was weird, he's not a dog, although he loves dogs. 

"By the way Pat, my friend is gonna be sleeping over tonight, he's too smashed to drive home. He's gonna sleep on the couch next to you." 

Patton wasn't excited. He normally slept with his shirt off. But with this man right next to him he didn't want to. But sleeping with it on was definitely going to be uncomfortable and sweaty. So he reluctantly pulled off his shirt and wrapped his arms around his chest. 

Brusies littered his back and chest from when his father threw a chair at him. He felt so small and weak. Patton just hoped one day he would have a family of his own and he would live however he wanted. 

He hoped he would be able to come out and get a loving boyfriend who was there for him him and stuck with him through thick and thin. 

He hoped he would be able to raise a family. He hoped he would be a good parent, and not the peice if shit his mom and dad was. 

Although just because you hope something with come true, doesn't mean it will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, my name is Codi and if you read this far thank you! These were all loosely based on myself and some shit I go through. 
> 
> Logan's story is based off of my want for happiness and how I feel lonely even though things are going great. 
> 
> Virgil's story is based off my shitty toxic relationship with my best friend of six years and how she blamed me and my anxiety for her being distant. 
> 
> Roman's story is based off of my dream career and how I feel I'll never make it. It also showed my nervousness leading up to my actual audition for a theater school. 
> 
> Finally Patton's story is almost completely based exactly off of real life, except my father has never thrown a chair at me, and I don't have brusies from him. 
> 
> I'll be making a part 2 where everyone ends up finding each other and lives out a happy ending. :) Stay tuned


End file.
